The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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