Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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