I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
