I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
