im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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