I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
