believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
