I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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