You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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