I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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