Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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