My room smells like vodka and shame
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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