did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
