Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
