You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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