o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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