I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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