He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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