I think I am morally bankrupt
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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