I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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