There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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