I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
