We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
