its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
