I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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