The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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