Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
