Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
