Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
