i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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