Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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