I am puke
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
