Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
