I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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