I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize