is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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