i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
