Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
worst night to have a conscience
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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