so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
