I can text with my tongue
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
