My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
