Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
