So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
