it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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