Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Everclear isn't food dammit
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
