He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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