I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
