I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
