I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
