It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize