the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
