All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
