I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
