woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I have post one night stand depression
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