I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
