Betty ford says i'm here all night
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
