My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
