We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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