imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
