Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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